The fist time I noticed him, I knew there was no way we would make it. He was perfectly sculpted, well mannered and so consistent. Three things my life certainly did not consist of. I had always been a messy, inconsistent free bird. His life consisted of all of the right things; mine consisted of constant emotional roller coasters. As months went by we couldn’t deny the attraction and our desires for each other. We fell deeply into what I thought was love. I was convinced thats what it was, anyway.
The honey moon stage, I savored. It was long and it was everything I wanted it to be, but that fades. There comes a time when you realize you will have to choose to love someone each day, no matter how annoying and messy they are. It was November when he realized he didn’t love me, yet he strung me along for the following six months. Convincing me he loved me and wanted me to be his wife. We looked at rings, we discussed the sacrifices we were willing to make as we planned our lives.
Something was missing, and I knew it all along.
I was suppressing every part of me that is raw and real in order to be the perfect “wife material” princess he wanted.
I never realized how difficult different pasts could make a relationship. He was set in his ways, he wanted to stay and settle here. I was the girl who solved her problems with Budweiser and a pack of camels. My life has been a constant disaster, boyfriend after boyfriend, and emotional breakdowns whenever anything went wrong. He had a way of holding his tongue so tight that we could never even communicate about our issues.
Eventually I began to realize that just because I wasn’t someone else’s idea of perfect, wasn’t a bad thing. I am only a human, and It was inevitable that I would let him down at some point. The difference was even when he let me down, I still chose to love him, he couldn’t say the same about me.
I’m honestly just tired. I was so in love with myself the years prior to this, and I had totally lost that trying to be someone else idea of perfect. I’m tired of being what other people want me to because “it’s the right thing to do”. Who the hell gets to decide what that is anyways? I’m tired of acting like some cookie cutter bull shit Disney princess just so I can be apart of a a certain church or a relationship. I am tired of tip toeing my life on egg shells just so other people are comfortable and will approve of me. I don’t need approval. There will always be parts of me that are sloppy, and dirty, but I LIKE THAT, as well as every other part of myself.
I am going to fail constantly, I am going to get angry and swear and smoke a cigarette and I’m sick of concealing those parts of me. I had never tried so hard in any relationship as I did in this one, and all it did was completely destroy all of the self love I had worked so hard to gain.
I’ve lied, cheated, stolen, hurt, and broken people, constantly. But I have never looked someone in the eye and said “I love you” when I didn’t mean it, now that was the coldest revenge of all.
It was a trial. I made mistakes. I forgave the mistakes made against me, and I got no grace in return. He gave up on me, and that is something I don’t know if I can recover from.
I wrote this because I’m sick of acting like I’m fine when people ask me what happened, so here it is. That’s what happened.
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