I often sit and ponder the different types of "love" I've experienced in my life. I later find that it's usually just lust hiding under my idealizations of what could possibly be. I wonder what it would have been like if I had known; If I had known how much time it would take to heal all of these open wounds that never seem to leave me. If I had known these faces would creep into my sleep every single night would I have chosen the same path? If I had known I would sit awake and wonder what is wrong with me, and why he didn't think I would good enough, would I still have pursued this so called "love"? If I had known my heart would never fully be replenished would I have allowed someone into those deepest parts of me?
Our culture allows us to believe that sex is casual, and our bodies aren't meant for monogamy but after countless nights questioning my worth, I just don't know how that can be true. Nobody told me that if I gave up these parts of myself I would face the consequences in my nightmares; every single day. Nobody told me that my self esteem couldn't be improved by allowing different people to "love" me temporarily until they got bored with me; or rather intrigued by someone else. Nobody told me that I would sit and wonder what the hell is wrong with me. Our society informs us of the physical punishments lust can have; pregnancy and STD's but nobody told me that I was giving out parts of myself I would literally never be able to get back.
I wish I had taken the phrase "your body is a temple" more literally. It is; and if someone isn't willing to worship your heart, and sacrifice anything for that temple; they don't love you. I would do anything to return those drunken and lust filled exchanges. I would do anything to block the doubt in my mind that tells me I'm not good enough. I would do anything to say that I actually want a daughter; but knowing that I would have to put her through this kind of heart break and constant "WHY DIDN'T HE WANT ME?" is by far the scariest thing I could ever imagine doing. We constantly talk about how to prevent pregnancy but we neglect to address the impregnating doubt and shame that follows after each failed lustful relationship.
I wish I knew that there are people that will truly say anything just to get a taste; knowing that they have no intentions of ever giving you the praise that your heart and mind deserve. I wish I hadn't been so vulnerable and easy to manipulate. I wish I could have saved myself for the person that would really be willing to treat my heart with the tender care that it so desperately needs; but I didn't. I wish I could say that I don't lay awake each night; wondering and contemplating each specific scenario; and trying to get an understanding of what is so wrong with me that I wasn't another person's choice. But that's just it. You're not a choice. Your a queen. You are worthy. You are valuable. You are someone's perfect. You are worth the wait. You cannot allow the shame, and guilt and doubt to dictate your future and your potential. You can't let your poisonous thoughts drown you and prevent you from finding what you really do deserve.
Its true; I will never get those broken pieces back; they belong to someone else now, whether they were cherished or thrown away. Be mindful in what you are truly giving to someone; if someone isn't even willing to love you for more than one night; don't you dare give them the power to haunt your dreams for the rest of your life. Boys just remember one day you will watch your daughter absolutely heartbroken; over the exact same thing you once did; and that, you will never get over.
