Your choice.

Today was not an easy day, and for no particular reason. 

My life felt easier when I was dead to the world.

My life was easier when I chose to drink everyday.

My life was easier when I filled my lungs with poison every hour or so.

My life was easier when i numbed myself with promiscuity and fake feelings.

My life was easier when I burned my brain cells instead of remembering 

My life was easier when I would use my fist instead of my words.

My life was easier without trials

My life was easier without empathy towards others.

My life was easier when I didn’t know how undeserving I was of God’s grace.

My life was easier before I found someone that loves me despite my mess.

My life was easier when I didn’t have to feel so much.

My life was easier without constant meltdowns.

My life was easier without specific goals

My life was easier when I was dead to the world, but that was not life.

I was suffocated by the lies of the world and of the flesh.

I was destroying everything in my path that I loved.

I was neglecting the life God handpicked for me. 

I was denying my potential that God would have me use.

I was ignoring the feelings of the people who loved me

I didn’t care that one day I would have to explain all of this to my husband

I refused to see this beauty that God had waiting for me

My life was easier when I chose to be numb

But now, I choose to live.

I choose the emotions and tears.

I choose the humility and the brokenness.

I choose others over myself.

I choose God’s way over mine.

Because to numb yourself, is not living. 

Because although life may be more difficult now, my joy will not be compromised. 

I choose God.

The one who chose me

I was always so terrified of giving someone the ability to hurt me; I never wanted something all encompassing because that would mean I would have to let go; that would mean allowing someone into the fragile parts of me. I fought for years to avoid giving anyone the power to hurt or destroy what i’ve worked so hard to repair; but when I met him, that changed. He appreciated all that I brought to the table, even the messy parts of me. 

If he could only see in the mirror the reason that I stare at him with such a beautifully full heart every day. I have never met another person with such patience, humility, and love. He see’s a work in progress, and he see’s someone who has a lot of growing to do, but I see someone who grows me without even knowing it. He is a person that compliments my weakest points and insecurities in a such a remarkable way.

Before I met him, I had given up on my standards, I had sacrificed my moral compass, I had decided that I don’t care about my worth, and what I “deserve.” I accepted the fact that I would never deserve the person that I dreamed about, but there he stood. Before I met him I never dreamed that the man I chose to pursue would pray for me, every single day. Before I met him I was too broken and afraid to love ever again. He nurtures my brokenness in a way that makes me unafraid to be vulnerable; that makes me unafraid to invest the love and energy that I have for him. 

Everyday my goal is to show him the worth and the value that I see every time I hear him speak. I want him to know that his soul has captivated me in such a spiritually awakening way. He fills me up, he encourages me; and I want nothing more than for him to see those things about himself. I want nothing more than to continue this journey with the man who chose to make me feel worthy, the man that chose to make me feel worth choosing. 

I fell in love with all of these elements of him, the good, the new, the different. I fell in love with all of it, even the parts he thought to be messy. I knew in this moment that I would never come close to anything like this again.

“Where your treasure is your heart will be also.” You, are my treasure. 

I love you.