To the one I destroyed.

There is nothing more delicate than the heart of another human being; especially one who loves you. Our hearts are fragile, and vulnerable. We find ourselves in a constant search, looking for someone to understand and empathize with us. Three years ago I made a decision, a decision that would destroy my heart, my peace, my sanity, and anyone who was willing to interfere. 

It’s amazing how you can become so intertwined with the world, and the people of the world. We are so quick to fall and so quick to settle. We are willing to sell parts of our souls just to get a taste of what love may have for us. I think it’s safe to say that we cannot give everything we have to another person if we don’t first care about ourselves…. That, was my downfall. 

No matter how full of life I looked, I could never swallow the person I was behind the scenes. I was always searching for something more, someone who could reassure me that I was worth something. I looked in drugs, I looked in friends, churches, people, and activities. I finally found something that made me feel alive, that made me feel worthy…for awhile. For the first time in my life I was fully invested in a soul that wasn’t my own. A fiery connection that couldn’t be stopped by unsupportive parents or petty arguments, we were willing to fight and fight every day to keep love alive, and that turned out to be the greatest life lesson I have ever learned: to fight for love. 

After investing so much time, energy, and love into another human it amazes me that I could still continue rupturing the hearts of so many around me. There was no excuse for the kind of destruction I placed in his life, in our lives. You can’t simply be upset with another human being because they don’t act and react the way that you would have them to. That’s what makes this all work, all of our different actions and reactions, bringing different elements to the table, working together to make something beautiful. It’s not your situation that needs to be changed it’s your attitude about that situation that you must change. 

If you can’t face the demons inside your own heart and mind it doesn’t permit you to project them on the people that you love. Love is not destructive, or cruel, love is not a fight, but it IS worth fighting for. We live in an age that is so quick to give up on the things and the people we love, maybe because they’re no longer convenient for us. They say time heals everything and you’ll get over the one that got away, but our hearts aren’t equipped for that kind of treatment. Love is unique, and you can’t just simply move on and replace it’s worth with something or someone new. 

 

It is okay to not be okay. It is okay to wonder what could have been if the timing was different or if you hadn’t been so selfish. It is okay to hurt and feel an emptiness, even years later, because our hearts weren’t programmed for this modern day dating, where moving on and one night stands are a normal part of life, that is NOT a normal part of life. You have to fight for love and you have to try, and empathize until you can no longer do more. Don’t ever look back and wonder what could have been, with anything in your life. Don’t ever let your guilt and regret hold power of you. For the past few years I allowed my guilt to drown me, and every thing I had to offer, and I will never let the world have that power over me again.

You were created to be, and to love. 

Love is NOT a fight, but it is worth fighting for.