Too late.

I tell him that I’m slowly drowning, lower and lower to the point of my lungs collapsing, my breath gets shorter and shorter. The shorter my breath gets the more I no longer desire for another. I tell him that I just need him to hold me, just for a moment. He’s the only one who has ever fixed my breath in the darkest moments like these. I tell him that my guilt covers me to the point of misery everyday. I tell him that I can’t even stomach the idea of a life without him. I tell him that I am sick and tired. I tell him I don’t know if I even have a desire to live this life anymore. I beg him, if you ever loved me please have mercy on me, please just be with me for

one moment. I tell him I need you, I really need you. 

He sets down his phone, he rolls over, and he sleeps soundly, and forgets me. 

I told him, but it was too late. 

there's freedom in a broken heart.

The fist time I noticed him, I knew there was no way we would make it. He was perfectly sculpted, well mannered and so consistent. Three things my life certainly did not consist of. I had always been a messy, inconsistent free bird. His life consisted of all of the right things; mine consisted of constant emotional roller coasters. As months went by we couldn’t deny the attraction and our desires for each other. We fell deeply into what I thought was love. I was convinced thats what it was, anyway. 

The honey moon stage, I savored. It was long and it was everything I wanted it to be, but that fades. There comes a time when you realize you will have to choose to love someone each day, no matter how annoying and messy they are. It was November when he realized he didn’t love me, yet he strung me along for the following six months. Convincing me he loved me and wanted me to be his wife. We looked at rings, we discussed the sacrifices we were willing to make as we planned our lives. 

Something was missing, and I knew it all along. 

I was suppressing every part of me that is raw and real in order to be the perfect “wife material” princess he wanted. 

I never realized how difficult different pasts could make a relationship. He was set in his ways, he wanted to stay and settle here. I was the girl who solved her problems with Budweiser and a pack of camels. My life has been a constant disaster, boyfriend after boyfriend, and emotional breakdowns whenever anything went wrong. He had a way of holding his tongue so tight that we could never even communicate about our issues. 

Eventually I began to realize that just because I wasn’t someone else’s idea of perfect, wasn’t a bad thing. I am only a human, and It was inevitable that I would let him down at some point. The difference was even when he let me down, I still chose to love him, he couldn’t say the same about me. 

I’m honestly just tired. I was so in love with myself the years prior to this, and I had totally lost that trying to be someone else idea of perfect. I’m tired of being what other people want me to because “it’s the right thing to do”. Who the hell gets to decide what that is anyways? I’m tired of acting like some cookie cutter bull shit Disney princess just so I can be apart of a a certain church or a relationship. I am tired of tip toeing my life on egg shells just so other people are comfortable and will approve of me. I don’t need approval. There will always be parts of me that are sloppy, and dirty, but I LIKE THAT, as well as every other part of myself. 

I am going to fail constantly, I am going to get angry and swear and smoke a cigarette and I’m sick of concealing those parts of me. I had never tried so hard in any relationship as I did in this one, and all it did was completely destroy all of the self love I had worked so hard to gain. 

I’ve lied, cheated, stolen, hurt, and broken people, constantly. But I have never looked someone in the eye and said “I love you” when I didn’t mean it, now that was the coldest revenge of all. 

It was a trial. I made mistakes. I forgave the mistakes made against me, and I got no grace in return. He gave up on me, and that is something I don’t know if I can recover from. 

I wrote this because I’m sick of acting like I’m fine when people ask me what happened, so here it is. That’s what happened. 

If i had known.

I often sit and ponder the different types of "love" I've experienced in my life. I later find that it's usually just lust hiding under my idealizations of what could possibly be. I wonder what it would have been like if I had known; If I had known how much time it would take to heal all of these open wounds that never seem to leave me. If I had known these faces would creep into my sleep every single night would I have chosen the same path? If I had known I would sit awake and wonder what is wrong with me, and why he didn't think I would good enough, would I still have pursued this so called "love"? If I had known my heart would never fully be replenished would I have allowed someone into those deepest parts of me?

Our culture allows us to believe that sex is casual, and our bodies aren't meant for monogamy but after countless nights questioning my worth, I just don't know how that can be true. Nobody told me that if I gave up these parts of myself I would face the consequences in my nightmares; every single day. Nobody told me that my self esteem couldn't be improved by allowing different people to "love" me temporarily until they got bored with me; or rather intrigued by someone else. Nobody told me that I would sit and wonder what the hell is wrong with me. Our society informs us of the physical punishments lust can have; pregnancy and STD's but nobody told me that I was giving out parts of myself I would literally never be able to get back.

I wish I had taken the phrase "your body is a temple" more literally. It is; and if someone isn't willing to worship your heart, and sacrifice anything for that temple; they don't love you. I would do anything to return those drunken and lust filled exchanges. I would do anything to block the doubt in my mind that tells me I'm not good enough. I would do anything to say that I actually want a daughter; but knowing that I would have to put her through this kind of heart break and constant "WHY DIDN'T HE WANT ME?" is by far the scariest thing I could ever imagine doing. We constantly talk about how to prevent pregnancy but we neglect to address the impregnating doubt and shame that follows after each failed lustful relationship.

I wish I knew that there are people that will truly say anything just to get a taste; knowing that they have no intentions of ever giving you the praise that your heart and mind deserve. I wish I hadn't been so vulnerable and easy to manipulate. I wish I could have saved myself for the person that would really be willing to treat my heart with the tender care that it so desperately needs; but I didn't. I wish I could say that I don't lay awake each night; wondering and contemplating each specific scenario; and trying to get an understanding of what is so wrong with me that I wasn't another person's choice. But that's just it. You're not a choice. Your a queen. You are worthy. You are valuable. You are someone's perfect. You are worth the wait. You cannot allow the shame, and guilt and doubt to dictate your future and your potential. You can't let your poisonous thoughts drown you and prevent you from finding what you really do deserve.

Its true; I will never get those broken pieces back; they belong to someone else now, whether they were cherished or thrown away. Be mindful in what you are truly giving to someone; if someone isn't even willing to love you for more than one night; don't you dare give them the power to haunt your dreams for the rest of your life. Boys just remember one day you will watch your daughter absolutely heartbroken; over the exact same thing you once did; and that, you will never get over.