Tainted heart.

May 23rd 2014

It wasn't that I played the role of the betrayer that concerned me; it was that I was numb. I had felt no pain, I felt nothing. How is it that I can take such a beautifully crafted love and destroy it in the blink of an eye. I reflect on the times where my life felt disastrous to no repair; why do I miss that so much? All he wanted was one quick taste of me, and nothing else. I gave it to him, and now I will suffer these consequences for the rest of my life.

I knew there was trouble on the path I took, and I stumbled there incoherently anyway. I've never known how to stay. I wasn't taught how to love or give. I just feed this bottomless pit of emotion with whatever body will occupy me for the time being. I look for a vice to hold me for awhile, before I run as far away as I can. While I run, I break every heart I touch on the way.

I promised I would never commit the same crime that I've been all too familiar with; but my addiction to leave captured the best of me once again. If only the people in my life that see my "goodness" knew my dark and tainted heart. There is no logic to the decisions I make; just a train of impulses that never seem to end. There is nothing steady about my path. I need constant change, I need to keep finding more. Walking in a straight line has never been something I'm capable of.

I don't know what to blame my lack of care on. There's only so much you can pin on bad parenting and a sick culture. My mom's junkie boyfriends didn't make me this way. Her addiction didn't make me this way. My cheating first lover didn't do this. My deceased and un-present father didn't either. I did this. I made this. I chose this. I will pay for this.

Sometimes I think the only emotion I can truly feel is pain. Why has happiness grown so numb. I can't access that feeling in my heart that I once could. Is it possible that after so much pain you just stop feeling? I'm tired of hurting people, I don't know how I got this way. I don't know what has taken over. There is a poisonous presence inside of me, and I don't think that's something that can be taken away.

People like me are different. We weren't meant to this kind of conformed system. I am not meant to be someone's wife. I am not fit to take care of anyone else. I live on borrowed happiness and cigarette smoke. I was made to create chaos. I was made to feel and make others feel. I can't simply sit and stay still. I have to go. Always. I have to leave. Always.

It just goes to show that no matter how corrupt you turn out to be, someone will love you, but that someone just isn't me.