A beautiful disaster

My favorite thing about myself is that I’m emotional. There is a fire within me that cannot be beaten or broken. I will always care too much, and I always invest too much love and energy into people and things that destroy me; but there is something so beautiful to that. I am so drawn to destructive people; people that are empty and searching, maybe because not long ago that’s who I was. I have this sick idea in my head that I can lead others to love themselves and that I can prove to people they have the worth that I can see in them. The only problem with this predicament is that I invest my own worth into them; I allow them to dictate what my value as a person is based on what they perceive it to be. 

I believed that there was love in him deep down, and that I could expose it. I believed that the poisonous words that left his mouth, as the liquor entered were true. I believed he could find value and worth in me, but the truth is he was stuck on the road to misery. I sacrificed my moral compass to play his games and explore his mind. He never saw anything but company in me; I was nothing but a temporary distraction. When you invest time and energy into another human being, you will never get it back. We are destructive, manipulative, and selfish beings and we have to let that resonate when we’re making decisions to invest in other people. 

I’ve been told that “The mark of humility is how you value others” and I think that’s true; but we can’t let the way others mistreat us determine our value, and our self worth. When someone is truly hurting they are going to destroy people around them, even the ones that claim to care about. “Hurting people, hurt people.” One of the hardest things to do is watch someone you care about hate their reflection. I remember waking up every day hating my reflection yet still searching for someone else to love it. As cliche as it is, you can never find that with someone until you make the decision to love yourself. You have GOT to love yourself more or you will never receive the love that someone out there is waiting to give you. Don’t ever conceal the messy parts of you just to please another person; you have got to grasp all those different elements that make you who you are and learn to love them. 

There will always be parts of me that are messy, and unattainable, but I like that, I like the challenge, I like the growth, and i like the reality. Can you say the same?