Beauty from Ashes.

"Awake my soul to the hope you hold, your grace is all I need."

Do you ever wonder  about the people that have spent countless nights crying over you? Worrying about you? Loving you immensely in a way that you can’t reciprocate? Do you ever feel a heavy guilt about the way you have treated those people that have such a love for you? Is there a root of bitterness in your heart because of the guilt you carry around? Find that root, examine that root, and cut that tree down, because guilt is such a waste of thought; guilt is such a burden on your heart.

I find that the only time I ever feel guilty is when I know my actions had negative consequences on other people. Disappointing other people and hurting people should convict you, and should bring you to humility, but you can’t let those mistakes hold power over you. If you let it, guilt will drown you. I recently realized that I feel the most pain and guilt when I think about the undeserved forgiveness i’ve received. I have a difficult time accepting such love from someone who owes me nothing, who i’ve probably hurt, and most likely deceived. 

You’ve got to consider that the people you have hurt and disappointed are still in your life because of the love that they have for you. How beautiful is a love that is forgiving, and long suffering no matter how many times you’ve betrayed it. It may seem so difficult and silly sometimes to forgive someone that is constantly betraying, and disappointing you….but why wouldn’t you? You are called to fight the good fight, for anyone and for everyone; for those hurting, for those helpless, and for those who are broken. “Comfort those in trouble; with the comfort you have received from The Lord.” You are filled to be emptied again, so no matter how many times you must fill the cups of others; don’t stop, give them every ounce you have, in hopes that they will see The Lord for who he is. 

I serve a God that brings beauty from ashes, that picks me up and makes me clean seconds after I deny him; that pleads my cause and makes me WHOLE with his kindness. “Free of all her guilt, rid of all her shame, known by her true name." Your worth is not defined by what you have done, your past, your mistakes, your baggage, your worth was decided on the cross. You are so worthy that a man you may not even know; would die to know you, love you, and spend eternity with you. This is the Grace and Mercy that I so long for. Mercy is kind, mercy keeps no debt and that INCLUDES the debt you hold against yourself. Stop drowning in the misery of your guilt, and use it; be refined through the trials you have overcome, and live for a cause; for the cause.

A beautiful disaster

My favorite thing about myself is that I’m emotional. There is a fire within me that cannot be beaten or broken. I will always care too much, and I always invest too much love and energy into people and things that destroy me; but there is something so beautiful to that. I am so drawn to destructive people; people that are empty and searching, maybe because not long ago that’s who I was. I have this sick idea in my head that I can lead others to love themselves and that I can prove to people they have the worth that I can see in them. The only problem with this predicament is that I invest my own worth into them; I allow them to dictate what my value as a person is based on what they perceive it to be. 

I believed that there was love in him deep down, and that I could expose it. I believed that the poisonous words that left his mouth, as the liquor entered were true. I believed he could find value and worth in me, but the truth is he was stuck on the road to misery. I sacrificed my moral compass to play his games and explore his mind. He never saw anything but company in me; I was nothing but a temporary distraction. When you invest time and energy into another human being, you will never get it back. We are destructive, manipulative, and selfish beings and we have to let that resonate when we’re making decisions to invest in other people. 

I’ve been told that “The mark of humility is how you value others” and I think that’s true; but we can’t let the way others mistreat us determine our value, and our self worth. When someone is truly hurting they are going to destroy people around them, even the ones that claim to care about. “Hurting people, hurt people.” One of the hardest things to do is watch someone you care about hate their reflection. I remember waking up every day hating my reflection yet still searching for someone else to love it. As cliche as it is, you can never find that with someone until you make the decision to love yourself. You have GOT to love yourself more or you will never receive the love that someone out there is waiting to give you. Don’t ever conceal the messy parts of you just to please another person; you have got to grasp all those different elements that make you who you are and learn to love them. 

There will always be parts of me that are messy, and unattainable, but I like that, I like the challenge, I like the growth, and i like the reality. Can you say the same?