Leave me.

I don’t know what happened to me, what made made me this way
What took power over my mind, and my body
I don’t know how my heart began so fragile and became so concrete
I don’t know why I am so full of rage
I terrify myself in my anger
I want to destroy everything around me
I want to break every window, dish, glass, and heart
I want everything in the near vicinity to shatter, or rather vanish
They’ll tell you this is normal
It’s not
They’ll tell you everything is fine
It’s not
They’ll tell you to be happy
Well I’m fucking pissed
They’ll tell you it’ll all workout
My fists continue to clench
I have been angry for so long
I don’t know how to set myself free
They tell you religion
I’ve tried
They tell you meditation
I can’t focus
They tell you you’ll grow out of it
It grows stronger
I don’t want to be this
I have to be this
I know only this
I am this
I can’t escape this
I am trapped and confined
This space is not safe for me
I have no where to run
I cannot hide from these truths
These truths have captured me and hold me hostage
I want them to leave
Just like I want him to leave, and him to leave
So I push them away until they have to leave me
Because the truth is being alone is the only time I can’t hurt or fail someone
I can’t poison them with my toxic ways when they’re gone
So I push them away, far
And I sit here, still angry, still trapped
Trapped in the poison that took me over so long ago
And I wait, I wait for the next
And then I do it all over again.Leave me

Too late.

I tell him that I’m slowly drowning, lower and lower to the point of my lungs collapsing, my breath gets shorter and shorter. The shorter my breath gets the more I no longer desire for another. I tell him that I just need him to hold me, just for a moment. He’s the only one who has ever fixed my breath in the darkest moments like these. I tell him that my guilt covers me to the point of misery everyday. I tell him that I can’t even stomach the idea of a life without him. I tell him that I am sick and tired. I tell him I don’t know if I even have a desire to live this life anymore. I beg him, if you ever loved me please have mercy on me, please just be with me for

one moment. I tell him I need you, I really need you. 

He sets down his phone, he rolls over, and he sleeps soundly, and forgets me. 

I told him, but it was too late. 

there's freedom in a broken heart.

The fist time I noticed him, I knew there was no way we would make it. He was perfectly sculpted, well mannered and so consistent. Three things my life certainly did not consist of. I had always been a messy, inconsistent free bird. His life consisted of all of the right things; mine consisted of constant emotional roller coasters. As months went by we couldn’t deny the attraction and our desires for each other. We fell deeply into what I thought was love. I was convinced thats what it was, anyway. 

The honey moon stage, I savored. It was long and it was everything I wanted it to be, but that fades. There comes a time when you realize you will have to choose to love someone each day, no matter how annoying and messy they are. It was November when he realized he didn’t love me, yet he strung me along for the following six months. Convincing me he loved me and wanted me to be his wife. We looked at rings, we discussed the sacrifices we were willing to make as we planned our lives. 

Something was missing, and I knew it all along. 

I was suppressing every part of me that is raw and real in order to be the perfect “wife material” princess he wanted. 

I never realized how difficult different pasts could make a relationship. He was set in his ways, he wanted to stay and settle here. I was the girl who solved her problems with Budweiser and a pack of camels. My life has been a constant disaster, boyfriend after boyfriend, and emotional breakdowns whenever anything went wrong. He had a way of holding his tongue so tight that we could never even communicate about our issues. 

Eventually I began to realize that just because I wasn’t someone else’s idea of perfect, wasn’t a bad thing. I am only a human, and It was inevitable that I would let him down at some point. The difference was even when he let me down, I still chose to love him, he couldn’t say the same about me. 

I’m honestly just tired. I was so in love with myself the years prior to this, and I had totally lost that trying to be someone else idea of perfect. I’m tired of being what other people want me to because “it’s the right thing to do”. Who the hell gets to decide what that is anyways? I’m tired of acting like some cookie cutter bull shit Disney princess just so I can be apart of a a certain church or a relationship. I am tired of tip toeing my life on egg shells just so other people are comfortable and will approve of me. I don’t need approval. There will always be parts of me that are sloppy, and dirty, but I LIKE THAT, as well as every other part of myself. 

I am going to fail constantly, I am going to get angry and swear and smoke a cigarette and I’m sick of concealing those parts of me. I had never tried so hard in any relationship as I did in this one, and all it did was completely destroy all of the self love I had worked so hard to gain. 

I’ve lied, cheated, stolen, hurt, and broken people, constantly. But I have never looked someone in the eye and said “I love you” when I didn’t mean it, now that was the coldest revenge of all. 

It was a trial. I made mistakes. I forgave the mistakes made against me, and I got no grace in return. He gave up on me, and that is something I don’t know if I can recover from. 

I wrote this because I’m sick of acting like I’m fine when people ask me what happened, so here it is. That’s what happened. 

If i had known.

I often sit and ponder the different types of "love" I've experienced in my life. I later find that it's usually just lust hiding under my idealizations of what could possibly be. I wonder what it would have been like if I had known; If I had known how much time it would take to heal all of these open wounds that never seem to leave me. If I had known these faces would creep into my sleep every single night would I have chosen the same path? If I had known I would sit awake and wonder what is wrong with me, and why he didn't think I would good enough, would I still have pursued this so called "love"? If I had known my heart would never fully be replenished would I have allowed someone into those deepest parts of me?

Our culture allows us to believe that sex is casual, and our bodies aren't meant for monogamy but after countless nights questioning my worth, I just don't know how that can be true. Nobody told me that if I gave up these parts of myself I would face the consequences in my nightmares; every single day. Nobody told me that my self esteem couldn't be improved by allowing different people to "love" me temporarily until they got bored with me; or rather intrigued by someone else. Nobody told me that I would sit and wonder what the hell is wrong with me. Our society informs us of the physical punishments lust can have; pregnancy and STD's but nobody told me that I was giving out parts of myself I would literally never be able to get back.

I wish I had taken the phrase "your body is a temple" more literally. It is; and if someone isn't willing to worship your heart, and sacrifice anything for that temple; they don't love you. I would do anything to return those drunken and lust filled exchanges. I would do anything to block the doubt in my mind that tells me I'm not good enough. I would do anything to say that I actually want a daughter; but knowing that I would have to put her through this kind of heart break and constant "WHY DIDN'T HE WANT ME?" is by far the scariest thing I could ever imagine doing. We constantly talk about how to prevent pregnancy but we neglect to address the impregnating doubt and shame that follows after each failed lustful relationship.

I wish I knew that there are people that will truly say anything just to get a taste; knowing that they have no intentions of ever giving you the praise that your heart and mind deserve. I wish I hadn't been so vulnerable and easy to manipulate. I wish I could have saved myself for the person that would really be willing to treat my heart with the tender care that it so desperately needs; but I didn't. I wish I could say that I don't lay awake each night; wondering and contemplating each specific scenario; and trying to get an understanding of what is so wrong with me that I wasn't another person's choice. But that's just it. You're not a choice. Your a queen. You are worthy. You are valuable. You are someone's perfect. You are worth the wait. You cannot allow the shame, and guilt and doubt to dictate your future and your potential. You can't let your poisonous thoughts drown you and prevent you from finding what you really do deserve.

Its true; I will never get those broken pieces back; they belong to someone else now, whether they were cherished or thrown away. Be mindful in what you are truly giving to someone; if someone isn't even willing to love you for more than one night; don't you dare give them the power to haunt your dreams for the rest of your life. Boys just remember one day you will watch your daughter absolutely heartbroken; over the exact same thing you once did; and that, you will never get over.

Tainted heart.

May 23rd 2014

It wasn't that I played the role of the betrayer that concerned me; it was that I was numb. I had felt no pain, I felt nothing. How is it that I can take such a beautifully crafted love and destroy it in the blink of an eye. I reflect on the times where my life felt disastrous to no repair; why do I miss that so much? All he wanted was one quick taste of me, and nothing else. I gave it to him, and now I will suffer these consequences for the rest of my life.

I knew there was trouble on the path I took, and I stumbled there incoherently anyway. I've never known how to stay. I wasn't taught how to love or give. I just feed this bottomless pit of emotion with whatever body will occupy me for the time being. I look for a vice to hold me for awhile, before I run as far away as I can. While I run, I break every heart I touch on the way.

I promised I would never commit the same crime that I've been all too familiar with; but my addiction to leave captured the best of me once again. If only the people in my life that see my "goodness" knew my dark and tainted heart. There is no logic to the decisions I make; just a train of impulses that never seem to end. There is nothing steady about my path. I need constant change, I need to keep finding more. Walking in a straight line has never been something I'm capable of.

I don't know what to blame my lack of care on. There's only so much you can pin on bad parenting and a sick culture. My mom's junkie boyfriends didn't make me this way. Her addiction didn't make me this way. My cheating first lover didn't do this. My deceased and un-present father didn't either. I did this. I made this. I chose this. I will pay for this.

Sometimes I think the only emotion I can truly feel is pain. Why has happiness grown so numb. I can't access that feeling in my heart that I once could. Is it possible that after so much pain you just stop feeling? I'm tired of hurting people, I don't know how I got this way. I don't know what has taken over. There is a poisonous presence inside of me, and I don't think that's something that can be taken away.

People like me are different. We weren't meant to this kind of conformed system. I am not meant to be someone's wife. I am not fit to take care of anyone else. I live on borrowed happiness and cigarette smoke. I was made to create chaos. I was made to feel and make others feel. I can't simply sit and stay still. I have to go. Always. I have to leave. Always.

It just goes to show that no matter how corrupt you turn out to be, someone will love you, but that someone just isn't me.

My lost shoes.

I remember that it hurt; looking at his defeated face hurt. The heart of another human being is far too fragile to played. At that moment, I could not look up into those dark brown eyes without feeling my heart physically sink to my stomach. There were words filling my brain, yet I heard nothing. I had never heard silence screaming so loudly. He was the best lesson I had ever had. He was the person who taught me how to love myself.

I still can’t swallow quite swallow the guilt and the shame that took me over. The little girl that had once sang into the garden hose each morning, had dissipated. I Intentionally set a loving relationship into flames, and watched it burn. I was so desperate for love and security that that I was willing to sell my soul; just for a teaspoon of what love could bring me. That is where I fell. I sold who I really was to become some sort of monster. I needed fire, I needed passion, I needed arguments, and I found myself comforted by pain. I needed anything that would consume me entirely. I needed drugs, alcohol, church; anything that would make me disappear. The reality was it was me was who I really hated, not him.

No matter how full of life any substance made me feel, I was always searching for more. The day I first met him followed an eventful weekend of Raspberry Smirnoff and American Spirits. I looked up to see a tall, dark, brown eyed boy staring at me in the hallway of the English department. He was carrying a pair of old gray battered Converse, that belonged to me. I seldom recall leaving the party without my sneakers, as police invaded the premises. I ran down what appeared to be a mountain, barefoot and unbalanced. On that following Monday, he stood in front of me . My found boy, with my lost shoes.

He ignited a fire within in me that would not die. I fell in love with each element of him, the good, the new, and the different. I fell in love with all of it, even the parts he thought to be messy. He challenged me, loved me, hurt me and healed me. We fought perpetually, screaming harmful slurs until morning. Eventually we realized the only fight we cared about, was the fight for our love. We invested every fiber of emotion into one another. We couldn’t stop the annihilation we caused, that stung deeply. There was no excuse for the intentional hurt I placed in his life, in our lives. I’m not sure I can ever inhale the way he walked away from me; his head hanging like a weeping willow.
What I had yet figured out was that love is equivalent to sacrifice. I couldn’t be upset with someone because they did not act and react the way that I would. That’s what made our relationships work.We all bring different elements to the table that blend so beautifully, and instead of believing that I pushed those realities as far away from me as I could. As I watched him walk away on that snowy January morning, I stumbled through snow piles misunderstood and full or pride. I could not access any humble part of me. Snowflakes trickled down my face as I walked to the bus. My heart grew as cold as the temperature.

In that particular moment of snowy heartbreak and tears, I had some realizations about the woman that was staring back at the reflection of the bus window. It was not my relationship nor my situation that needed to be changed. It was my attitude, and my unwillingness. I could

not face the demons in my own heart so I went projecting them onto him, expecting him to carry such a heavy and broken load. It felt like the deepest parts of me had been penetrated by a darkness. I just couldn’t compete with. I sat wondering if he would ever come back or if I had completely burned every ounce of love we once had to the ground.

As the realizations soaked into me, I gave up on the fantasy of him ever coming back. why would he? I began to understand that it was okay to not be okay. I also realized that the only people that hurt and destroy others, are those that are drowning in hurt themselves. I needed to change, I needed to grow, and I needed to heal, alone. How could I possibly pour love unto someone if I was empty of it myself? I had let the world drown me of any happiness, and I refused to sink down any further. I needed to get up, I needed to find freedom from the sorrows that kept me standing in one cycle for so long, the cycle or rage, and brokenness.

I moved to a new city, I explored new people and new places. I found my favorite Chai Tea Latte, and a job that paid me more than I really needed. I explored the parts that I never know lived within me. I wrote journal entries every single day, I went to theatres and libraries. I read 23 books that summer. I started hiking and traveling anywhere that had captivated me, previously. I had finally started feeling a freedom, that I’d never known. I obtained a love for others, and a love for myself. I learned that there will always be parts of me that are messy and unattainable; but I liked that. I liked the challenge, I liked the growth, and I like the rawness.

As I reflect on the relationship that once consumed me, I love it. It was passionate, fiery and emotional. It beat us both down so brutally that we had no choice but find a nurturing love after all of our exhaustion. As I looked through facebook, I saw his pictures, his happiness, and his adventurous spirit. I measured my personal growth, and the patience and compassion I had

acquired. I witnessed the beauty of young love and the reality of maturity. I understood the human heart and the important of empathy. My capacity and ability to accept others’ and their emotions grew immensely. I had a fresh eye, and love for others. That was a freedom I had always needed. I would always be messy, destructive and poisonous. He taught me that those parts of me were understood, and that they were loved. He taught me that I was worthy. 

messy and dark

He says i’m over reacting, but the reality is he made his choice. He caught countless tears on his chest of mine, about this situation, yet he still chose. I made him promise, he chose. I gave him another chance to change his mind, yet he still chose. He has other loyalties, and that is just fine but as for me, I need more. I need someone that will not fail me where I am most vulnerable, trust. He wasn’t the first, he won’t be the last and he wasn’t the worst, but he still chose. Love is a choice, so when you really love someone who do yo choose? It seems so obvious to me, but then again mot of the world doesn’t understand me, nor my logic, clearly neither does he. 

It feels like the deepest parts of my heart have been penetrated by darkness. I want to destroy everything that was built, and I don’t even care, which is what scares me. This is who I am. I’m messy, I’m dark, I hurt people, I’m poisonous, I’m destructive and the reality is, it’s a cycle, and I will do it again.